One of the most difficult financial aspects of getting married is learning how to manage money together. Of course, the most apparent chore is determining the logistics. You’ll need to decide whether you’ll have joint or separate accounts. Will you pool your money together to pay bills and set financial goals, or will you do that separately? However, beyond the logistics, you must also consider the emotional and familial attitudes about money. Does your spouse feel the need to give his parents money? If so, should you try to stop your spouse from giving parents an allowance? If you were raised with an independent streak or don’t feel parents should take money from their children, you and your partner must find a compromise.
Why Does Your Spouse Need to Give Parents Allowance?
The first question is, why does your spouse need to give her parents an allowance?
Unexpected Events
Perhaps your in-laws have fallen on hard times. Maybe they had a job loss or a medical crisis that caused financial upheaval. Unfortunately, we all have times outside our control when our finances get tight. If this is the case, giving family money to assist makes sense.
Single Parent
Likewise, if your spouse was raised by a single parent, that parent may still struggle financially, even if the children are grown. Single parents have a heavier financial burden because they have to provide everything their children need, while other parents can rely on two incomes. If your spouse’s parent sacrificed greatly by working many hours and now needs money, you can understand why your spouse wants to help out.
Cultural Traditions
In some cultures, children know from an early age that they are expected to help support their parents in their old age. If this is the case for your spouse, hopefully, you discussed this before marriage. Bucking these cultural expectations can be difficult and cause relationship issues with your spouse’s family, and, likewise, you as the person who doesn’t want to respect the culture.
When You Should Stop Spouse from Giving Parents Allowance
There are certain circumstances when you should not give your parents allowance.
You Don’t Have Enough Money for Your Family
If you’re in the unfortunate position of not having enough money for your own family, recognize that your needs come first. If you and your spouse struggle to pay your bills, you can’t give money to your parents.
However, if you have enough money to meet your immediate needs, you must look at your future needs. For example, if you give an allowance to your in-laws, can you still save for your future? Can you add money to your retirement fund? You don’t want to burden another family member in the future if you’re unable to save enough because you gave your money to your spouse’s parents.
The Money Is Enabling Them
Beyond your own needs, look at how your in-laws are using the money. If they have habits such as drinking, shopping to excess, and going out to eat, giving them money may enable their bad habits. That’s not helping them or you. In that case, you should stop your spouse from giving parents an allowance.
How to Negotiate How Much Money to Give
Ideally, you and your spouse can determine together if you should give money to your in-laws and, if so, how much to give. When choosing the amount, consider these questions.
How Much Can You Spare?
Take a careful look at your budget. How much can you spare? When considering, don’t simply look at your immediate needs. For example, you may have $500 to spare a month, but before you decide to give that amount, ask a few questions:
Is Your Retirement Fully Funded?
You need to take care of yourself and your future needs first so you won’t struggle to pay bills when you’re older. Likewise, you don’t want someone to have to find a way to help you pay your expenses because you gave to others when you couldn’t afford to.
Can You Finance Your Hobbies or Vacations?
Just because your in-laws need money doesn’t mean you should stop enjoying your life. Will you have money to take an occasional vacation or partake in your hobby? If giving to your in-laws means a strict budget with no room for fun, you will quickly resent the in-laws.
Can Others Also Contribute?
If your spouse would like to give her parents money, does she have siblings willing to help offset some of the cost? For example, if you determine the in-laws need $1000 a month, that’s a lot for one family to pay. However, if four siblings all chip in equally, each family will only need to pay $250, which is a more manageable amount to give.
If there are siblings and they refuse to contribute, you should also scrutinize if your spouse should be the only one giving money.
Can You Put a Time Limit on the Giving?
You and your spouse should discuss how long you plan to give the in-laws money. If they’re temporarily in a hard place financially, you may put a cap on the giving for a year or two. That’s much easier to handle than if your spouse’s parents need money for the rest of their lives. Most spouses will have trouble committing to lifelong giving, especially at an amount that seriously restricts the budget.
Final Thoughts
Should you stop your spouse from giving parents allowance? The question is a thorny one; unfortunately, there is not one blanket answer. Instead, you and your spouse need to discuss why your in-laws need money and if you have the money to give. You’ll also need to discuss how long you will provide them with money and how much you will give. This is a tricky issue, especially if cultural norms are involved.
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Melissa Batai
Melissa is a writer and virtual assistant. She earned her Master’s from Southern Illinois University, and her Bachelor’s in English from the University of Michigan. When she’s not working, you can find her reading a good book, cooking, or traveling. She resides in New York where she loves the natural beauty of the area.
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