Good Morning DINKS. Today I want us to discuss the relationship between love and money. In your opinion is love more powerful than money, or is the equation vice versa? Very often we hear about young women marrying wealthy men for money. These types of women are also known as Gold Diggers, but in my opinion they are nothing more than Prostitutes . It is ok to be a Prostitute but own up to what you are! I hate it when women say that they really married for love and the money was just an added bonus….YEAH RIGHT. Very often is the case that these women would not give the man a second look if he didn’t have money.
I wonder if the same is true for DINKS. Could you or would you enter into a relationship with someone who you know did not have money? I can honestly say that my boyfriend Nick’s income is not important to me, and it never has been because we met when we were both students with no income at all. I fell in love with him way before either of us ever started making any substantial money and therefore I would not leave him if he didn’t have money. However, if I was single and dating I am a bit ashamed to say that my potential boyfriends tax bracket would be a deciding factor in my decision to date (or not date) him.
Is money a deal breaker for you?
It may sound like I am a snob but the truth of the matter is that a lot of other aspects of our lives are directly and indirectly related to the amount of money that we make. Our quality of life is directly related to the amount of money that we make. The destinations for our vacations, or even the fact that we can afford to take a vacation or two each year is directly related to our income.
Our Money Mentality is directly related to our income versus our expenses and it indirectly relates to our personality, our beliefs, and our daily living habits. We may be a conservative person by nature and therefore we are also conservative with our money. We may be a saver instead of being a spender, it would be hard to live with someone who always spends their money if we always save ours. I personally like to buy nice things whenever I choose to indulge and spend my money; however what really brings a smile to my face is seeing the balance in my bank accounts, investment accounts, and retirement accounts increase on a weekly basis.
Could you marry someone who doesn’t share your Money Mentality?
I don’t think that I could marry someone who didn’t share my views on money because this probably means that we don’t share a lot of other aspects in our lives such as living arrangements, career ambitions, and social circles. I wouldn’t want to be working hard to advance my career and marry someone who still lived a carefree life with no career ambitions. I am not saying that everyone has to be a shark in the water, but the constant need to always better ourselves or try something new is very important to me. I don’t want to be with someone who is stuck in their life or in their career. Dreaming is fun and a form of inspiration.
I also want to be proud to introduce my (imaginary) husband to my group of friends. My friends usually revolve around my workplace and my profession; therefore I would be ashamed to introduce someone to my friends who didn’t share our passion to perform well at work.
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Kristina Tahnyak
Tahnya is a Certified Financial Planner and former Investment Advisor turned marketing and communications professional She holds a degree from Concordia University, is debt free and currently works in the field of digital marketing.
I have a great chapter in my upcoming book Blue-Collar Buddha called “Love and Money”. If the original author of the story contacts me I will give them the chapter to review.
Paul
How they dealt with money would be a bigger factor than their actual income for me. Even if you meet someone when you are both college students and essentially on subsistance living, if every time the other person got some cash it burnt a hole in their pocket, I’d be wary. If you look at their money situaton and they are in debt but when it’s pointed out to them they excuse the spending because they “deserve” (to have fun, a vacation, a new computer, etc.), I’d turn and run.
@GetaGrip That is very true. Money management may be more important than the actual money they make. Someone who makes less money could end up having more money saved ithan someone who makes more money if they actively manage their money and control their spending. Although “my spouse” would have to make enough money to at least pay monthly bills and maintain a certain standard of living. I would want to live on a “student budget” at 31 years old.
I can truly understand the point of view of the individuals on this website. However, I am going through a situation myself. I am 26 years old, in fall of 2012, I will have completed my Masters Degree in Training and Development. My husband and I have 2 beautiful children a boy and a girl. We have known each other since the age of 15. I have always had a job, took care of the children and the household. My husband (after 3 years) has a job at Sears. He takes home about 200 every two weeks. I make 9xs what he brings home and I am stressed, depressed, and resentful. I am hurt because I did not expect my life to be with a man that cannot pay any bills at all! It truly hurts because sometimes, just sometimes I would like to be catered to or for him to say, “don’t worry hunny, I will pay this bill this month.” Everyone says, money should not matter, but it truly does. Especially if if cost more money for my husband to get to work than he is getting paid and after his check is gone, he is asking me for gas money etc. I feel as if I am the mother and he is the child. I am starting to look at him as a liability when I should look at him as a husband.
I know, many of you will say that he is trying give him a chance. I feel that I am going through a female growing pain. There are some things that women will accept and somethings that I cannot accept. At one time, I wasn’t able to save any money because every time I looked around he needed something. I tried to be honest and open about my finances with him. Now (after listening to my grandmother who has been married for over 50 years) I have a personal bank account that knows nothing about. I truly need some advice becuase I am really feeling as if I need to let him go because I do not want my life to always be the one taking care of everything. I want someone to have my back in case I need them. Not someone who tells me they do not have gas money and I tell them I don’t have any money and their response is, “make it happen.” I am tired of making it happen. I am just plain tired or holding all of the responsiblities on my back, shoulder, neck, and ass.
Hey Krystal,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Whoever said that money doesn’t matter has obviously never been hungry or hurting to money. People who say that money doesn’t matter are ususally people who hav enever had to be financially responsible. If your financial situation has been like this for a while and your husband is not making an effort to change his career or find another job then maybe he is a liability. At some point you have to think about what makes you happy and if that is no longer your husband, I am sorry to say but maybe you have to move on. However, if he is making changes to better his situation that is different. But if not they you have to make changes because you don’t want to be having this same conversation 5 years from now. Good Luck with everything and Thanks for reading!
What kind of job does he have at Sears that he only pulls in $200 every two weeks? Until Borders closed, I worked there part time and always got more than $200 per two weeks,even the weeks that I had low hours. I could only manage this because we have very low expenses (no car, no kids, low housing costs, no debt but mortgage). My transportation costs to work were near zero because I lived close and could ride my bike. So the whole $200 to $400 per check has been available for spending. It was enough for fun things like vacations and new furniture, while still helping to pay off the mortgage early. Plus I’ve always done 90% of the housework in addition to my part time work, so I haven’t entirely been slacking.
Now I’m going back to school to prepare for a real career. I’ll still probably never earn as much as my IT working husband, but it will be enough to hire a maid (I’m sick of housework) and maybe buy some investment properties. And also make me feel like I’m not such a slacker.
Well……woman, be prepared to be alone, u know what you get into with marriage, and if marriage is about dollars and cents to you, you really don’t know the true meaning of a marriage and don’t deserve to be married. It sickens me when I see women complain about things like this. Its terrible, if a man should have to worry about what he makes on a finance level to keep a woman, she is definetly not worth it. Period, I could care less what my woman makes. Because once you say I do, the previous question has nothing to do with money, that’s why marriages last in other countries, because here in this greedy fucked up country with these bratty women is all greed. I’m ashamed to be apart if this era
Matthew Freeman..spoken like a man clearly in a low paygrade. A woman still wants to be swept off her feet, not wipe up the financial inabilities from your other half. The stay at home daddys are also shameful in my own personal view. The husbandis supposed to share the household financial burden, but sadly in Krystal’s case, hubby has become the sole burden…
Very sad to encounter bitter men who cannot face their own shortcomings..
Matthew Freeman..spoken like a man clearly in a low paygrade. A woman still wants to be swept off her feet, not wipe up the financial inabilities from your other half. The stay at home daddys are also shameful in my own personal view. The husband is supposed to share the household financial burden, but sadly in Krystal’s case, hubby has become the sole burden…
Very sad to encounter bitter men who cannot face their own shortcomings..
There’s nothing wrong with a person being concerned about your financial stability. A long-term partnership means depending on each other through the ups and downs, and being financially reliable does help with that to a degree. The difference between a gold digger and someone who values your role as a provider is that the gold digger would deride and perhaps leave you if you lost your ability to provide for them financially. A good person can appreciate your financial resources, but a gold digger appreciates only that, and will not see the relationship as worthwhile if you’re not well off.
Parasitical relationships should be avoided. Love has NOTHING to do with money.
I think this article asks the wrong questions.
Krystal, I am in the EXACT same boat, except I’m 48 years old. I have provided for my husband and son for the past 17 years and my husband has sucked me dry. I lost my good job recently and am trying to reinvent myself, but he will not give me ONE break while I’m doing this and is expecting me to “make it happen.” You will find yourself BROKE if you let this continue. I have my own bank account, too (thank GOD, and I suggest you keep yours!) and I only put into our joint account exactly enough to pay 50% of the monthly bills. After he pays his 50%, he has no money for gas, lunch money for our son, or even for a GALLON of milk. But I won’t/can’t pick up his financial slack any longer.
Shut him off NOW. Be insistent that he pays 50% of the monthly household bills NOW or, before you know it, he will be a middle-aged, entitled, irresponsible (boy) man. Take it from someone who is THERE!
Krystal, I am in the EXACT same boat, except I’m 48 years old. I have provided for my husband and son for the past 17 years and my husband has sucked me dry. I lost my good job recently and am trying to reinvent myself, but he will not give me ONE break while I’m doing this and is expecting me to “make it happen.” You will find yourself BROKE if you let this continue. I have my own bank account, too (thank GOD, and I suggest you keep yours!) and I only put into our joint account exactly enough to pay 50% of the monthly bills. After he pays his 50%, he has no money for gas, lunch money for our son, or even for a GALLON of milk. But I won’t/can’t pick up his financial slack any longer.
Shut him off NOW. Be insistent that he pays 50% of the monthly household bills NOW or, before you know it, he will be a middle-aged, entitled, irresponsible (boy) man. Take it from someone who is THERE!
“I fell in love with him way before either of us ever started making any substantial money and therefore I would not leave him”
I call B.S if he didn’t start making money you would left him… please try not to lie.
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I have been scouring the internet to find a forum or a topic on this very issue. I’ve felt terrible, frustrated, angry, and dejected from thinking that I was wrong in the way I feel and think about money. My wife is exactly as you described. She and I don’t share the same vision on financial security and ambition. I am seriously considering divorce. It’s tough to try and build a life when the other partner has no concept of the role of money and quality of life that it brings. I could get in the specific’s but you’ve said it better than I could have. I feel better after reading this post.
It is very important for the partners to share same vision on the quality of life they want to achieve in the future. If one dreams to have a mansion with a pool in the back yard and the other really doesn’t bother to have only a 2 rooms apartment, it is defiantly a no-go for them.
However if partners have the same vision but one struggles to find a job which can bring enough income to make this vision into life, then it is not the right thing to criticize your spouse for that ONLY IN CASE he/she is doing their best to improve him/her self and find a better income. If after long time of encouragement your spouse really doesn’t seems to bother improving material situation then it is perfectly understandable to nag about it. Last thing i would like to say. When you fall in love with someone you start to imagine how you would have together a nice house in the suburbs with 2 nice cars parked. Now imagine that you and the one you fell in love are struggling financially and live in a 2 room apartment in not so good neighborhood in the city, would you still feel that love? You should evaluate what is more important: a dream for certain amount of material possession or a person you love.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years but started seeing one another 14 years ago. Neither of us finished college and so our financial ceiling is lower than we would like. I decided 14 years ago that I needed a trade and took a low paying job as an entry level technician in a small company. Starting pay was terrible but I thought I would make more as I learned more. I have worked there every since. I have grown with the company and currently hold a management position; however, my pay is still shy of 40k annually. In the same span of time, my wife has changed jobs several times, been unemployed a few times for months or even a couple years on end before a good position in a legal office landed in her lap. It wasn’t long before her earnings matched and surpassed my own and the complaints began that I am stagnant and lack ambition because I haven’t left this job in search of greener pastures. I have resumes on a lot of sites and have interviewed at one place that would have been a huge boost in salary. Unfortunately someone else got the job. Most of what I see available is very close to my pay but not enough that I am uncomfortable giving up my current position. Now she makes about 4k-5k annually more than I and never misses an opportunity to remind me. I don’t know what to do. We have a 2 kidd, a a mortgage, 2 cars and all the attached expenses. I don’t know what to do. I fear that a misstep could leave my family in financial jeapordy but failure to step poses a threat to my marriage. I don’t know what to do.
Here is my situation. I am engaged to a man that has been badgering me to get better paying job. This has been going on for over a year and I was able to find a job where I went from making $30,000 a year to $45,000. He is still going on and on about me finding a better job and making more money. I need advice here. I currently take care of 100% of the household chores, I balance the finances by paying every bill from our joint checking account (mind you that includes sending out his Child Support obligations to both ex wives) I take care of our four Rottweilers and their puppies when we have litters, I take care of his every need and I work full time. Does this appear that I do not contribute enough?
If he doesn’t take care of his kids from a previous marriage himself what makes you think that he would take care of you or your future kids. Run quickly.
I have been married 14 years. We have a 13 year old son who is really a great kid. We live in coastal California so it is a very expensive place. The vast majority of folks would not be able to afford one of the least expensive homes here. Nevertheless, we live here because it is a great place to live and it is the place I have my business. 13 years ago we felt it was important to buy a place. My wife seemed to understand the fact that for almost all people who still work, are not a sports star or a retired fortune 100 CEO, you will have a small house. So that is what we got. It turned out to be in a beautiful, fun and safe neighborhood. We felt it was important for her to be a stay at home mom for the first 7 years until my son was regularly going to school. Then my wife was going to go back to work for the company she worked for before. She did for about 4 months then quit her job. I never mentioned a word about her getting another job. When the subject came up, I would always simply mention that she did not need to go back to work but I also reminded her how expensive it is here and that if we want to stay here long term, it will cost a lot. She ended up getting another job. Then she became the dragon lady from hell. Often, she asks why we don’t live in the neighborhood down the road (houses go from 2.8 M to about 5 M). Why I don’t care about providing for the family. (we are not hurting financially and much is provided to the family. My income is probably in the top 10%). She also mentions that if I just made more money she could quit her job and have time to be a best selling author (she is not a great writer but I would never tell her that). We both were kids in the 70’s back when your dad was usually the only one that went to work outside of the house. She often (in an indirect way) wonders why I cannot be more like her dad was. She is very often just angry. I’m sorry folks but this is just an angry, bitter and selfish woman I married who is more concerned about money than she is about me. The funny thing is that this did not come out until about three years ago.
I finally approached her and mentioned that she should be with a wealthy guy. I told her that she is in the right place to find one and that I would support her in this. I also told her she better hurry because I would imagine it is likely going to be all about market value (physically) when she jumps in that pool.