I know that we have discussed this before but after the last post where we discussed the cost of having children I started to think…Is my choice to not have children a smart financial decision, a selfish choice, or am I just flat out being a total commitment coward?
With the recent break up of my entire family because of my step mother’s violent actions, I haven’t spoke to my father or my sister since October. For the first time in my entire life I will be spending the holidays without my family. My recent family break up has me reflecting on my choice not to have a family of my own.
I am thinking that it may be time to start my own family, but something is stopping me (other than the fact that I am not married to my boyfriend Nick). I don’t know why I am afraid to have kids. Maybe it is because my parents’ divorce totally split up our family, and it changed my relationship with my parents and my sister forever. Maybe it is because when parents divorce and new families merge together new (forced) family members do not always get along. Maybe it is because that I would never want my kids to resent me like I currently resent my Dad. I have never been more confused, angry, or sad in my entire life. I would not want my child to feel this way. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because I am a total commitment coward.
Several other reasons such as massive time consumption, extreme financial costs, and the life time commitment of having a child also scare me, actually they completely terrify me. I am honestly starting to question if my decision not to have kids is a smart decision or a cowardly choice.
Am I really so selfish that I can’t make time for another person in my life? Am I really so self centered that I cannot make room for another human being? I would like to think the answer is no, but it appears to be the honest truth for the time being.
I am also afraid that I will fail. What happens if I commit to having a child and then I cannot live up to my financial obligation? There are so many unwanted and under privileged children in the world, I definitely don’t want my child to be one of them.
(Photo By Faithful Chant)
This post really resonates with me – I can SO relate to what you’re experiencing right now.
I’m a married 32 year old woman, and have long said that I do not want kids. My (and my husband’s) reasons for this are many: Financial impact and lifestyle impact being those most commonly cited. But there is also a tremendous amount of fear behind this decision, particularly on my part. Highest on my list of fears is the likelihood that I would suffer from some kind of post-partum mood disorder, as every female on the maternal side of my family has. And I don’t just mean run of the mill post-partum depression (though that is the case for some of them), but debilitating, post-partum psychosis on the part of my own mother that she never truly recovered from, and ultimately took her own life as a result of. My sister, too, continues to struggle with generalized mood disorders to this day. And while I personally have never dealt with depression/anxiety in any form, I fear that giving birth is precisely the life event that would send me over the edge. Knowing that, I feels downright irresponsible to bring a child into the world.
Likewise, I simply don’t value family in general all that much. I don’t enjoy spending time with my own (I actively avoid it most of the time), and sometimes resent the fact that my husband’s family is as involved in our life as they are. Intellectually, I know that these are deep-seeded issues that are tied up in feelings of abandonment in regards to the family I was born into and that ultimately it IS cowardly on my part to write off the possibility of having a family of my own. But emotionally, I’m still getting there.
That said, in recent months I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the long-term and am beginning to feel as though I might regret not having a family of my own (in the form of children) as I get older. This too is rooted in fear – fear of being “alone” in old age. But having a child to protect against loneliness in old age is a notoriously risky gamble, as there are never any guarantees that they will continue to be a part of your life as they grow.
So at this point, I’m torn between deciding what I fear most: having children or NOT having them.
I’ve read a couple of your posts, and I think you are way too smart to have underprivileged children. As a matter of fact, with your savvy, you could be a real spokesperson for finances of families. I was scared to have children too, and never made up my mind until one fateful day, the condom broke and we conceived. I fully believe that we would still not have made that decision and would have remained childfree and happy- but not compared to the happiness our daughter has brought us. There is no financial price tag on her head.
You could be a great mother!
I am a 45 year old childless by choice woman. I have always known, from a very young age, that I didn’t want kids. I don’t have any spark of maternal instinct at. all. That being said, I did wonder when I was in my late 20’s if I was doing the right thing but I knew, deep down, that I was not capable of being a great mom like my mom was. It turned out to be the best decision I could have ever made for myself. I am now married to my second husband (who has three grown daughters), we have a paid for condo, a paid for car, lots of savings, and no kid type stress. If you are seriously thinking about kids, I would say this: please have them before you are 40! My sister married at 39, had her first child at 40 and second at 42. She is now a 50 year old single mom with a 10 and 7 year old and let me tell you, she is exhausted, cranky, and doesn’t have the patience that she had at 40. In comparison, my husband is 51 with a 24 year old, 21 year old and 19 year old.
For me, childless was the best choice!
I am 51 and childless but not by choice. First I couldn’t find myself a husband, and my boyfriend was careful not to have kids I guess because he wasn’t serious about me. I should’ve dumped him before he left me for someone else. I kept hoping I’d meet somebody in a few months, in a year. Then, in my mid-30s (more likely earlier based on symptoms), I had Premature Ovarian Failure and lost my ability to have kids. At first I was thinking of adopting, but never quite mastered the courage to do it.
In hindsight, I’d give most of my money to go back and have a child. I feel like there is a large part of life I haven’t experienced.
My mother died from cancer in July. During her illness I helped my father to take care of her, I also made sure her wishes as to care were followed. I often wonder what would happen to me when I am old and unable to take care of myself. I know many Americans don’t take care of their parents, but at the very least they can make sure the wishes are followed, etc.
It’s fine to make a choice not to have kids, but when you do it think forward to time when you are 70 or 80 and consider if at that age you’d regret not having kids or not. Your spouse may die before you so you can’t count on your spouse.
I feel terrible for the women who wanted kids but ended up, for whatever reason, not having them.
As I said above, I thought about having kids in my 20’s but decided since there were no guarantees, I’d rather not chance it just to *maybe* have a child to take care of me when I get old. My mom had three kids; two are great (me and my sister) and my brother, who’s spent the last 20 years in prison. What help was he when my mom got sick? None. In fact, she spent hundreds of dollars supporting him. I do think about what will happen when I age but a lifetime of kid servitude was asking too much of me.
Considering that I live across the country from my fairly hermit-like dad and that my boyfriend’s not on speaking terms with his family, it seems to me that having kids so someone will be around when you’re old is a terrible plan. I have no maternal instinct either (I’m 31, as is my bf of 4.5 years) and we are not going to have kids.
Thank you all for the great comments. It’s comforting to know that other people my age are going through the same things as me.
Liz, thank you for the boost of confidence.
Kitty I am sorry to hear about your mother. Sometimes I wish that I would have just had kids when I was younger, because now it would be over with and my choice would already been made.
I guess it is what it is, and what will be will be.
I am 36 and childless by choice. I think you should only have a kid if you REALLY really want one. There are so many GOOD reasons to not have children. I only sorta wanted one in my twenties and that feeling passed. I love being child-free and I don’t think that makes me selfish at all. There are women out there ideally suited to motherhood. I am not one of those women. I have a fulfilling job that requires a lot of traveling, I have a great family and I have great friends. I’m an aunt and I love that aspect of my life.
You are not selfish or a coward. Having a kid is the hardest job on the planet, and one you should do only if you feel a HUGE interest in taking on.
Only 2 questions count when considering having a child:
Do you have a burning desire to raise a child?
Do you have a burning desire to parent that child?
If the answer to either question is “NO”, don’t have a kid. It is not fair to the child, the parent or society.
On the selfishness issue: Having kids does not turn people into Mother Theresa or Gandhi. In fact, some of the nastiest, most narcissistic people I have met are those with kids (though I’ve met equally nasty narcissistic people who have no kids). People don’t have children to learn selflessness, they have children in pursuit of their own self-interest. Ask a parent why he or she had kids and the answers usually includes, “I’, “me” and “want”. In fact, every action (most) people take is in pursuit of their own self-interest. It’s just human nature. What IS selfish is to have a kid that one is not really prepared to raise (for whatever reason) or that one doesn’t really want in the first place.
Not having kids does not make a person a commitment-phobe either. Plenty of people with no desire to have children/become parents are somehow capable of extraordinary commitments (marriage, other family members, career fields that require amazing amounts of discipline, charitable work, etc).
Nor does becoming a parent turn one into a commitment-guru. If that were the case, then we wouldn’t have marriages that end in divorce despite the presence of children (and worse, divorces where the parents use the children as weapons and pawns in their feud). And we wouldn’t have kids whose parents, while not abusive, don’t invest the time and effort those children deserve.
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